The New Normal

I had wanted to start this (private) farewell to my blog as an update. I’ve been so lax here (with entries as erratic as months to years apart) that it feels funny to still call this a personal blog.

This feels more like a living time capsule. Or if I had lived in another reality, I would liken this blog to an old tree that I would occasionally whisper secrets to…. on visits to a favorite hangout of my youth that seems more and more like a memory than a real place.

I’m closing this blog at a time when I imagine most of the world is starting to pen theirs, given all the luxury time some of us now have.

It’s 2020, the year we all thought was going to be auspicious (Yes, I was born in the Year of the Rat and was hoping THIS would be a good year). It ended up mooning us all – with the year starting off with a string of natural disasters and threats of military standoffs then releasing a surprise twist even before the first quarter ended – a deadly but inconspicuous respiratory virus. From one country, it has spread to the rest of the world.

This is the 9th week of lockdown for us. It feels like time has stood still then stopped. Then started back up again and hit pause. I spent the first few weeks in suspended disbelief. I was glad of a break from work but I was naive then to realize that it would only be temporary.

Then I hit a really low point. Not surprising as my media diet consisted of listening to news from all parts of the world 24/7. Our main source of income as a couple stalled, as we both relied on clients (patients with mine, customers with his). We found ourselves getting creative with our diet, our budget… allowing for occasional splurges with dessert and seafood (when available), we are lucky still.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant. Yes, not a good time to have the resources going into “Red Zone” territory while balancing the health risks of carrying a little one that did not ask for this danger on his/her little life.

I confess I have spent the past few weeks – mind blank. My stress coping mechanisms always stall when they hit overwhelm.

It is HARD to be going through the things we are going through, especially if I imagine that I still (for my patients’ sake) have to put myself out there and offer support… I feel like the blind leading the blind.

But we adapt. One of my wiser colleagues suggested I should start blogging pregnancy/mama topics while the patients still aren’t warming to telehealth/telemedicine. To express myself while keeping my baby and I relatively sheltered until this virus gets more manageable. She does not know this exists.

I have used this blog many times to process the things going on in my (single) life. The new normal demands of me to shed my old self and maybe there is a reason why I go back here less and less.

Though it may mean a different track altogether, I’d like to keep this living time capsule as is. It started out as my official salute to my immature, 20-something self — progressed into varying degrees of complaining about being single & in the medical profession and (ironically) was the catalyst for my (now) husband to fall in love with me.. (sidenote: The day he met me and I shared this blog with him, he stayed up the entire night reading every entry and fell head over heels then & there, according to him).

Maybe if this solitary time capsule alternative had any reason to exist (on hindsight), it would be THAT. Silent, intermittent witness to the past near-decade and like a dear wise friend, ushering me to move on. Close this chapter to start another.